Understanding Child Behaviour: Your Child Is Not Giving You a Hard Time — They’re Having a Hard Time
- R.M. Couse
- 1 day ago
- 3 min read
Understanding Child Behaviour Begins With a Shift in Perspective
As a young parent, I was in constant battles with my toddler. I tried to manage tantrums with control. It was exhausting, frustrating, and I felt like a failure as a parent. Nothing was working, and I knew something had to change.
It wasn’t him — he was a toddler. I got curious: What is his behaviour telling me? What does he need from me?
I realized his feelings were valid. Throwing things or hitting me wasn’t okay, but he needed a safe space for those feelings. He needed my calm. And once I had a plan to support him, I felt better as a parent. I felt confident that I was doing the best I could to help him feel safe and loved while learning to manage big feelings with my support.
When Behaviour Feels Personal
It makes sense that we see behaviour as intentional. It’s hard not to when children are throwing things at you, screaming, lashing out, ignoring you, or being rude.
When we’re stressed, tired, or worried about what kind of adult they will become, we often think:
They know better
They are doing this on purpose
They are testing me
This interpretation is understandable — but not usually accurate.
When we stop taking behaviour personally, we create space for calm.
The Role of the Nervous System in Child Behaviour
Behaviour is communication.
It often comes from a dysregulated nervous system.
Children may be in fight or flight mode, and the only way back to regulation is with our calm.
With my tantruming toddler, my attempts to control the feelings and behaviour only fuelled the fire, escalating his dysregulation. I could only help him regulate when I was able to regulate myself — to share my calm and see the need behind the behaviour.
Understanding the behaviour doesn’t stop it from happening, but it changes how we experience it and allows us to respond with intention.
Behaviour Is Communication, Not a Problem to Fix
Your child is not giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time.
They don’t yet have the capacity to manage those big feelings without your calm and support.
The prefrontal cortex — the thinking part of the brain — is still developing and isn’t fully mature until the late twenties. You, as an adult, can experience big feelings and still decide how to respond. Your child needs your calm, steady presence to eventually return to regulation.
This is something learned through experience. Children need repeated experiences of co-regulation before they can begin to self-regulate.
It’s important to consider your child’s capacity, both developmentally and in the moment.
If they are tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or bored, their ability to regulate is reduced.
If they feel safe, loved, and supported, their capacity increases.
When our expectations meet their capacity, connection and cooperation become more likely.
Responding to Behaviour With Calm Instead of Control
Understanding your child’s needs behind big feelings helps you:
Set clearer expectations
Respond with intention more consistently
Stop second-guessing every decision
It can help break the react, regret, repeat cycle — where we give a knee-jerk reaction, regret it later, and continue repeating it.
When we parent with confidence and clarity, it feels steadier for our child. Understanding your child helps regulate your nervous system, which makes it easier to help them regulate theirs.
It allows us to let go of urgency — this is not an emergency — and release comparison.
Understanding grounds us in where our child is right now, which helps us stay present during the hard moments.
Understanding does not:
Eliminate meltdowns
Prevent hard days
Create perfect responses
Understanding does:
Reduce reactivity
Build confidence
Strengthen relationships
This Is Where Understanding Your Child Begins
Self-awareness supports understanding your child. Reflect on these questions:
What moments feel hardest for me internally — not just externally?
How might understanding change how I feel in those moments?
What would more steadiness look like for me right now?
This work isn’t about fixing your child. It’s about supporting yourself to parent with steadiness, compassion, and confidence — even when parenting feels hard.
~Rose Couse~
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