Beyond the Behavior: How to Support Your Child's Emotional Regulation

Beyond the Behavior

As parents, we often find ourselves caught off guard by our child’s behavior. Whether it’s a meltdown in the grocery store, sudden defiance at bedtime, or an outburst over something seemingly small, our instinct is often to react in the moment. But what if we shifted our perspective and looked beyond the behavior? What if we asked: What is happening in my child’s nervous system right now?

Behavior Is Communication

A growing body of research in neuroscience and child development tells us that behavior is not just a matter of choice or willpower—it’s a reflection of the state of the nervous system. Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory has helped us understand that children (and adults) move between different states of regulation throughout the day:

• Safe and Social: When a child feels connected and calm, they can engage, learn, and communicate effectively.

• Fight or Flight: When a child perceives a threat (even something as simple as a denied request), their nervous system may trigger a stress response, leading to defiance, yelling, or running away.

• Shutdown/Freeze: If a child feels overwhelmed or unheard, their system may shut down, leading to withdrawal, refusal to engage, or emotional numbness.

When we recognize that these behaviors stem from a physiological response rather than a deliberate choice to misbehave, we can shift from punishing or controlling behavior to supporting regulation and connection.

The Power of Co-Regulation

Research shows that a child’s ability to regulate their emotions is deeply influenced by the adults around them. Co-regulation means that when we stay calm and attuned, we help our children return to a regulated state. Instead of saying, “Stop crying! It’s not a big deal,” we can try, “I see you’re upset. I’m here. Let’s take a deep breath together.”

Small shifts in our approach make a huge impact:

• Instead of jumping to consequences, first assess: Is my child’s nervous system dysregulated?

• Instead of assuming defiance, ask: What stressors might be making it hard for them to cope right now?

• Instead of reacting with frustration, model calm and connection: “I can see you’re struggling. Let’s figure this out together.”

  
  

Building a Foundation of Understanding

Focusing on the reason behind behavior doesn’t mean we ignore limits or boundaries. It means we approach discipline through the lens of understanding and skill-building, rather than punishment. When we teach our children tools to regulate their nervous system—through breathwork, movement, or naming their feelings—they gain lifelong emotional resilience.

Parenting isn’t about perfect responses every time, but about growing our awareness of what’s really happening beneath the surface. When we do, we become the steady, supportive presence our children need to thrive.

Moving Beyond the Behavior to Emotional Regulation

If you’re curious about how to apply these insights in everyday parenting, try this: Next time your child is struggling, pause. Take a breath. Instead of asking, “How do I stop this behavior?” ask, “What does my child’s nervous system need right now?” That simple shift can change everything.

~Rose Couse~

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